During the book fair at school, I was talking to a couple of co-workers and parents. We were having a weight loss talk and I said that I cheated and had the surgery. Well, my co-worker, who had the same surgery as me, gave me a hard time about it. She said that I did not cheat, that I made a decision to be healthier and did what I needed to do to get there. I can't help but feel like I cheated. To me, the old fashioned way of losing weight is to eat less, eat healthier and exercise. I know that post-op life is a hard road, changing my eating habits, exercising, etc, but if I had only done this in the first place I would not have needed the surgery. I also think that the surgery is too overdone. People that do not have a lot of weight to lose are having it done. Young people with bodies that are still maturing are having it done. Some are even gaining extra weight on purpose just so they can get their insurance to cover the procedure. Others are going to Mexico just to have it done cheap. I needed this surgery because I would have never lost the weight on my own, but I can't help but feeling like I cheated.
I frequent an online forum specifically for people that have had the same surgery as me. All over the country, people are coming together to share their experiences and give advice. I read numerous times about stalling. It is a period of time when weight loss comes to a halt before starting up again. I missed the "3 week stall" but moved onto my first stall 1 month after surgery. It lasted about a week. Up until this point I was losing weight quickly. My diet went from liquids, to pureed to soft foods. It was at this point that my stall began. As soon as I switched to the soft foods, I stalled. I was stuck at 36 lbs. I knew the stall was coming. I was prepared for it. I expected it. I still panicked. I didn't know how long it was going to last. Did I do something wrong? Did I eat too much? I am still eating like a mouse but was it too much????? A thousand questions came into my mind and I worried for the whole week I was stalled. But, alas, after one whole week, I lost 2 more lbs and am now down 38 lbs!
On the day I had my surgery done, a friend of mine also had hers done. We were down the hall from each other and have frequently commiserated over how we were dealing. This week, she posted that since the surgery, she is always cold. I was actually relieved to see this post because I have the same problem. I would turn the heat up to 75 if I could. I have never had this problem before because of all the fat keeping me warm. Now that it is coming off so quickly, my body hasn't had time to adjust and I am freezing. I had forgotten that I felt the same way when I had my lung surgery and lost 30 lbs in the hospital. I couldn't get warm. So I guess I will just have to stay bundled up this winter!
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
No News is Good News
I haven't written in awhile because nothing notable has been going on with me as far as my sleeve is concerned. Even so, I have been incredibly busy lately and that leaves me with little time to blog. First, let's start with the latest stats...I had another doctor appointment and everything is going well, I am currently down 36 lbs, I just started the soft food portion of the diet and I will have a treadmill this week. It has been hard getting used to the new me though. Sometimes I forget to take my vitamins throughout the day (2 multi vitamins and 3 calcium) and other times I forget to keep sipping. At work the other day, I was feeling very dizzy so I went to the nurse to have my blood pressure checked although I knew the reason....dehydration. It is very hard to get in 60 oz of fluid daily and even harder to get in 60 g of protein. Since I teach 5 extremely active special education kindergarten students, I don't always remember to sip. My lonely water bottle sits on my desk while I am teaching and trying to stay ahead of my kiddies. I hadn't really thought much about it until I got dizzy. That made me think, "Just how many bottles am I getting in a day? Am I getting enough fluid?" Well, the answer was clear. I was not drinking enough and it was catching up to me. Once I drank an entire bottle of water (before lunch), I felt better. The other problem I have been having is that I am nauseous in the mornings. (No, I am not pregnant, thank you very much!) I think this ties in with the dehydration, maybe, I don't really know. I have never been much of a breakfast person anyway, so I just stick to nursing my shake all morning. Then there is the issue of the protein. Without the shakes, I don't even come close to what I am supposed to have each day. I am just waiting for the day when I start to lose some hair. *sigh* I am trying very hard to get these shakes in, but I just don't like them (not the flavors I have anyway). I went to Wal-Mart and bought one of their protein shake mixes in order to save money but it tastes like hell. 2 days ago, I ordered the flavor I like, from the company I like and it should be here soon. With my chocolate, I shouldn't have any more problems. Nothing fancy, just plain chocolate. I have always loved chocolate milk and this is exactly what my shakes taste like.
This past weekend, I began the soft food portion of my diet!!!! I could not be happier about it. I was so excited to eat a piece of toast with hummus! (1/2 a piece and then later the other 1/2 of course lol) I was so happy to be eating normal food that I ate a too much of the wrong foods. I ate all day on Saturday but wasn't even close to my protein goal for the day. This is something I have to be very very careful of...not falling back into my old habits. In the past, I ate food because it tasted good, not because it was healthy. That is what I did this past weekend, to an extent. I cooked healthy meals but in between was not so healthy. I am afraid of stretching out my sleeve or making myself sick. I will admit that a couple of times this weekend, I did not feel so well. As far as stopping eating when I get that full feeling, I am doing ok, but when eating fast and eating the wrong food, the feeling doesn't hit until it is too late and I am stuffed. Then I have to battle nausea for about a 1/2 hour. I could easily blame all the craziness of this weekend for my poor choices, but I won't. It was me. I made a mistake and all I can do now is work at my commitment to do this right. (As for the craziness this weekend...my best friend had a kidney transplant and I spent the weekend at his house helping him out by shopping and cooking. My ex was also there all weekend and that made things a little weird, especially since he is an alcoholic and got drunk Saturday. This was one of the main reasons I broke up with him and didn't talk to him for 2 years. Last week was the first time. See what I mean by crazy???)
Anywho, I am going to have a good week. I started keeping track of my fluids and proteins again and even though I am still not getting in enough of either, I am doing much better and know where I need to make adjustments. The treadmill will be here in another day or 2 and then I can start my walking routine at home. I will pay attention to what my body is telling me, know my limits and stick to the diet plan. I am still not completely healed inside and I have to be careful. This weekend I had a couple of sharp pains in my stomach and that scared me. Right now, I am off to bed, so good night, zero and thanks again for letting me ramble.
This past weekend, I began the soft food portion of my diet!!!! I could not be happier about it. I was so excited to eat a piece of toast with hummus! (1/2 a piece and then later the other 1/2 of course lol) I was so happy to be eating normal food that I ate a too much of the wrong foods. I ate all day on Saturday but wasn't even close to my protein goal for the day. This is something I have to be very very careful of...not falling back into my old habits. In the past, I ate food because it tasted good, not because it was healthy. That is what I did this past weekend, to an extent. I cooked healthy meals but in between was not so healthy. I am afraid of stretching out my sleeve or making myself sick. I will admit that a couple of times this weekend, I did not feel so well. As far as stopping eating when I get that full feeling, I am doing ok, but when eating fast and eating the wrong food, the feeling doesn't hit until it is too late and I am stuffed. Then I have to battle nausea for about a 1/2 hour. I could easily blame all the craziness of this weekend for my poor choices, but I won't. It was me. I made a mistake and all I can do now is work at my commitment to do this right. (As for the craziness this weekend...my best friend had a kidney transplant and I spent the weekend at his house helping him out by shopping and cooking. My ex was also there all weekend and that made things a little weird, especially since he is an alcoholic and got drunk Saturday. This was one of the main reasons I broke up with him and didn't talk to him for 2 years. Last week was the first time. See what I mean by crazy???)
Anywho, I am going to have a good week. I started keeping track of my fluids and proteins again and even though I am still not getting in enough of either, I am doing much better and know where I need to make adjustments. The treadmill will be here in another day or 2 and then I can start my walking routine at home. I will pay attention to what my body is telling me, know my limits and stick to the diet plan. I am still not completely healed inside and I have to be careful. This weekend I had a couple of sharp pains in my stomach and that scared me. Right now, I am off to bed, so good night, zero and thanks again for letting me ramble.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Seeing a Difference
I am now down a total of 30 lbs. and the difference is beginning to show. My necklace is not so close around my neck, my tight pants are no longer tight, my jeans are loose around the waist, and I feel a lot better. Next weekend, I will be picking up the used treadmill from my friend's house. She hardly used it since she became a member of the local gym and it is a very nice, expensive Nordic track that I am getting for a steal! I just have to make room for it and I have already started working on that. I am moving my bedroom to another room in the house and the porch is going to become my treadmill room. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I am looking forward to walking. The thought of being a big saggy mess of loose skin scares me. lol Walking and working out will minimize this. I am going to have some loose skin because of my age, I am not going to bounce right back but I can exercise to make it minimal. That's what I get, I guess, for allowing myself to become so big.
The diet is still very hard but I am no longer on just liquid. I am now on puree but I found that if I chew food into mush, I don't need the food processor. I am still having some issues with my protein and fluids, I haven't been keeping track, but I am beginning to eat different foods. Scrambled eggs, meatballs, chicken pot pie, cheese....so much better than just shakes and yogurt. I still eat the yogurt and drink at least one shake a day, but I can now eat semi-normal food, just not much. I fixed a little mashed potatoes and cheese the other day and ate about half of what I fixed. I can still only eat about 2-4 ounces in one sitting. The one thing I was not prepared for when I began to eat food was the overfull feeling. After I eat, I feel like the food is just sitting there and it feels like a golf ball is stuck in my throat. This lasts for about half an hour. I cannot drink while I eat which is very hard to get used to, but I do take one tiny sip when I am done eating to wash everything down. I did a little research and apparently this feeling is normal and will go away with time. It is a little uncomfortable, because it feels like the food may come up but as long as I do not overeat, I keep everything down. After about 30 minutes, the feeling goes away and I can have something to drink. My stomach is still healing and is still inflamed so it is just part of the healing process. The only time I cheated, was on Halloween. I ate one single Reese's cup. It was too sweet and too filling, but I enjoyed the hell out of it anyway. lol Today, I am going over to a friend's house. He had the gastric bypass a couple of years ago, so he knows what I am going through and our meal should be interesting (and very small!). This is my last day to go out before getting ready for my return to work. I can't wait!
The diet is still very hard but I am no longer on just liquid. I am now on puree but I found that if I chew food into mush, I don't need the food processor. I am still having some issues with my protein and fluids, I haven't been keeping track, but I am beginning to eat different foods. Scrambled eggs, meatballs, chicken pot pie, cheese....so much better than just shakes and yogurt. I still eat the yogurt and drink at least one shake a day, but I can now eat semi-normal food, just not much. I fixed a little mashed potatoes and cheese the other day and ate about half of what I fixed. I can still only eat about 2-4 ounces in one sitting. The one thing I was not prepared for when I began to eat food was the overfull feeling. After I eat, I feel like the food is just sitting there and it feels like a golf ball is stuck in my throat. This lasts for about half an hour. I cannot drink while I eat which is very hard to get used to, but I do take one tiny sip when I am done eating to wash everything down. I did a little research and apparently this feeling is normal and will go away with time. It is a little uncomfortable, because it feels like the food may come up but as long as I do not overeat, I keep everything down. After about 30 minutes, the feeling goes away and I can have something to drink. My stomach is still healing and is still inflamed so it is just part of the healing process. The only time I cheated, was on Halloween. I ate one single Reese's cup. It was too sweet and too filling, but I enjoyed the hell out of it anyway. lol Today, I am going over to a friend's house. He had the gastric bypass a couple of years ago, so he knows what I am going through and our meal should be interesting (and very small!). This is my last day to go out before getting ready for my return to work. I can't wait!
Sunday, October 27, 2013
It's the Little Things
I haven't posted in a few days because nothing noteworthy has happened. I am not sore or in any pain. I am getting in all my fluids and protein even though it is a struggle. I am sleeping a little better and overall I feel pretty good. I have lost a total of 25 lbs counting my pre-op loss and I have noticed some differences already. Some of my pants that were beginning to feel a little snug are no longer tight on me. My hip does not hurt, I am able to stand for more than 5 minutes and my step has become a little quicker. I was told that I no longer sound like Darth Vader when I breathe as well. It always drove me crazy when my father would ask me if I was ok because I was breathing heavy. (I was not aware that I was breathing heavy at all, but due to my lung problems in the past, it always worried my family that I seemed constantly out of breath.) I can walk further than I was able to before. I am no longer daunted by a long walk through a parking lot. It's all the little things like the ones I just named that keep me going. I really did not expect to see any sort of a difference until much further along, so it was a very pleasant surprise to notice positive changes already. I even stood for a long time at Trunk or Treat at my church today. I may have been a little sore since it is the first time I have done anything physical since the surgery, but I did it.. These things help me when I am feeling down and depressed, too. I have days where I am ready to say, "Screw the stupid liquids and the protein. I am tired of it already." I start feeling down and don't want to do anything. I don't cheat on my diet though. I know the consequences and stick with it, I just don't do it happily. One of the men at my mother's church had the same surgery done a year or so ago with the same doctor and he asks about me all the time. The other night, there was a big dinner at the church and I was able to talk to him. He cheated and did not always follow the doctor's orders and he warned me to not do the same. He explained that if I cheat now, I could bust the staples in my stomach. I may feel great on the outside but my insides are still healing. This is what keeps me honest. I look at it this way...I had to go to an extreme (surgery) just to be able to lose the weight. It is very hard and I knew it would be going into it. I committed to making a major change in my life and allowed a doctor to remove 85% of my stomach in order to do it. Obviously, my eating was out of control if I had to take such a drastic measure to be healthy. I want to turn my life around and be the best mom I can be for as long as I possibly can and I am not going to mess this up. This is not just another diet....this is serious and so am I. The only thing I need to do now is start walking. Unbelievably, I actually enjoy it. I am so happy that I can go further than before and that I am walking more quickly that I enjoy walking. Tomorrow, I think I will go to the park for a little while and take a walk along the river. The fall weather is perfect for it. And for once, I don't have to be afraid of not being able to make it back to my car.
In August, our church took a trip to Longwood Gardens. It is a beautiful place with acres of land. I knew the walking would be hell on me, but I didn't want my son to miss out on this opportunity. I had no idea just how horrible it would be for my body. I was out of breathe the entire time. I had to sit down every chance I got because of the pain in my back and hip. I was sweating like a pig and felt that my heart would burst everywhere we went. I was so upset with myself but I didn't want my son to know just how bad it was for me. He worries about my breathing because of the lung problems and extended hospital stay 2 years ago and I didn't want to scare him. I was afraid of collapsing though. After a couple of hours, I just wanted to go back to the little store, browse and sit in the air conditioning. I knew I had reached my limit. I was trying to find a quick way back and when I realized that in order to get where I wanted to go, I had to go uphill, I almost burst into tears. I began walking (trudging, lumbering....) up the incline. All the while, I am praying for one of the workers on a golf cart to come by, because I had reached a point where I knew I needed help. At the top of the hill, I started having some chest pain, became extremely overheated and was having a lot of difficulty breathing. I barely made it to a bench and told Nick to get help. Thankfully a couple of the ladies on the trip with us saw us and came over to help. All I wanted was a ride to the main building but I got oxygen, a wheelchair, an ice pack, water and 5 men surrounding me checking my vitals. I was wheeled into the building and then to the car to go home. I never got to browse through the store with my son. I was absolutely mortified. I blamed it on a massive asthma attack, but I know the real reason. I was too fat and my body couldn't handle it. I am planning another trip to Longwood Gardens with my son after I lose more weight. I want to make it up to him and prove to myself that I can do it. This time I will go up the stairs in the treehouses instead of staying at the bottom because I can't go up stairs. This time, I won't leave in a wheelchair. No more letting my son down because I can't keep up. I am going to do it.
In August, our church took a trip to Longwood Gardens. It is a beautiful place with acres of land. I knew the walking would be hell on me, but I didn't want my son to miss out on this opportunity. I had no idea just how horrible it would be for my body. I was out of breathe the entire time. I had to sit down every chance I got because of the pain in my back and hip. I was sweating like a pig and felt that my heart would burst everywhere we went. I was so upset with myself but I didn't want my son to know just how bad it was for me. He worries about my breathing because of the lung problems and extended hospital stay 2 years ago and I didn't want to scare him. I was afraid of collapsing though. After a couple of hours, I just wanted to go back to the little store, browse and sit in the air conditioning. I knew I had reached my limit. I was trying to find a quick way back and when I realized that in order to get where I wanted to go, I had to go uphill, I almost burst into tears. I began walking (trudging, lumbering....) up the incline. All the while, I am praying for one of the workers on a golf cart to come by, because I had reached a point where I knew I needed help. At the top of the hill, I started having some chest pain, became extremely overheated and was having a lot of difficulty breathing. I barely made it to a bench and told Nick to get help. Thankfully a couple of the ladies on the trip with us saw us and came over to help. All I wanted was a ride to the main building but I got oxygen, a wheelchair, an ice pack, water and 5 men surrounding me checking my vitals. I was wheeled into the building and then to the car to go home. I never got to browse through the store with my son. I was absolutely mortified. I blamed it on a massive asthma attack, but I know the real reason. I was too fat and my body couldn't handle it. I am planning another trip to Longwood Gardens with my son after I lose more weight. I want to make it up to him and prove to myself that I can do it. This time I will go up the stairs in the treehouses instead of staying at the bottom because I can't go up stairs. This time, I won't leave in a wheelchair. No more letting my son down because I can't keep up. I am going to do it.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Betrayed by the Ball Buster
I woke up at 5am because my stomach itches! Grrrr. Apparently, I am allergic to medical tape. I vaguely remember this fact now from my last surgery. Unfortunately, I remembered this too late. Whenever I have to get bloodwork done, I never leave the tape on long enough to notice anything. Well, at the hospital, the tape from my many needle sticks during the IV fiasco had to remain on for some time because I had been given a blood thinner and I was just too out of it to care. That began the rash in the crook of my arm. Then there were the bandages on each of of small incisions....and the steri strips. The ones that the nurse said had to stay on until they fell off. The doctor took one look at my incisions and said, "Your belly must really itch. Take a shower and get the steri strips off." THANK YOU! My incisions are swollen, red rashes that itch so bad I want to scratch my skin off. I am keeping itch cream on it but it wakes me up at odd hours and I can't scratch too hard because I am still healing.
I forgot to post some info I got the other day from my doctor....I don't have a nutritionist. The day after my surgery, I met the hospital nutritionist and she made a comment along the lines of "Kelli isn't here anymore, so I will be talking to you". Of course, I was on meds and not thinking straight so I put it out of my mind. After I came home, I was struggling with the protein and what to eat and when to eat and had a lot of questions. I figured I had my post-op appointment on Tuesday so I would talk to her at that time. When I mentioned it to my doctor, he said, "Kelli isn't here today." Well, that triggered the memory from the hospital and I asked the receptionist. She told me that Kelli had a taken a job closer to home. Ok, I get that. I understand that need, but how about saying something? I saw her exactly 15 days before my surgery and spoke with her one week prior to the surgery about a pre-op diet issue when my aunt passed away. Not a word. So now, at a time when I need a nutritionist the most, I do not have one. I have to rely on the forums on Vertical Sleeve Talk to help me out. Her newest patients knew that she was leaving because I ran into one of them and she said Kelli mentioned it, but she never told the people that were heading to surgery and would need her the most. So, yeah, I'm kind of pissed that the ball buster left without a word. Who knows? Maybe she left in a hurry...there is no one there to replace her yet. It is not my business.
On a brighter note, I got all my protein in today and even went over! I finally broke down and decided the only way I was getting in the protein was to drink the shakes. I figured out that one shake with 8 oz of skim milk is 32g of protein. I have to get in at least 60g per day. So if I have 2 shakes a day, there is my entire protein total and I don't have to worry all day. I was having a very tough time because everything that has protein either tastes bad or has so little protein that I have to have a lot of it. And having a large amount of anything just isn't happening. I still have to break up the 8 oz shake to last an hour or more because I cannot consume that much of anything at one time without getting sick. Even a yogurt takes me 2 sittings. (Honestly, I never thought I would see the day where I could only eat 1/2 a light yogurt in one sitting. Wow.) So now, I can have my yogurt, soup, popsicles, sherbert, pudding, or jello whenever I feel like it and not worry about the protein count in it as long as I have 2 shakes per day. Thank goodness. I was stressing over the whole thing because if I do not have the correct amount of protein, I can get protein malnutrition and with that, I can start to lose my hair. I was losing hair by the handfuls 2 years ago when I had my lung surgery and I do not want to go to through that again. There are other things that can happen as well, but that is the one that stands out to me. It is getting late and I'm not thinking straight. So off to bed I go, it is bloodwork in the morning. Good night, my readers of none. (for now, anyway. I am optimistic.)
I forgot to post some info I got the other day from my doctor....I don't have a nutritionist. The day after my surgery, I met the hospital nutritionist and she made a comment along the lines of "Kelli isn't here anymore, so I will be talking to you". Of course, I was on meds and not thinking straight so I put it out of my mind. After I came home, I was struggling with the protein and what to eat and when to eat and had a lot of questions. I figured I had my post-op appointment on Tuesday so I would talk to her at that time. When I mentioned it to my doctor, he said, "Kelli isn't here today." Well, that triggered the memory from the hospital and I asked the receptionist. She told me that Kelli had a taken a job closer to home. Ok, I get that. I understand that need, but how about saying something? I saw her exactly 15 days before my surgery and spoke with her one week prior to the surgery about a pre-op diet issue when my aunt passed away. Not a word. So now, at a time when I need a nutritionist the most, I do not have one. I have to rely on the forums on Vertical Sleeve Talk to help me out. Her newest patients knew that she was leaving because I ran into one of them and she said Kelli mentioned it, but she never told the people that were heading to surgery and would need her the most. So, yeah, I'm kind of pissed that the ball buster left without a word. Who knows? Maybe she left in a hurry...there is no one there to replace her yet. It is not my business.
On a brighter note, I got all my protein in today and even went over! I finally broke down and decided the only way I was getting in the protein was to drink the shakes. I figured out that one shake with 8 oz of skim milk is 32g of protein. I have to get in at least 60g per day. So if I have 2 shakes a day, there is my entire protein total and I don't have to worry all day. I was having a very tough time because everything that has protein either tastes bad or has so little protein that I have to have a lot of it. And having a large amount of anything just isn't happening. I still have to break up the 8 oz shake to last an hour or more because I cannot consume that much of anything at one time without getting sick. Even a yogurt takes me 2 sittings. (Honestly, I never thought I would see the day where I could only eat 1/2 a light yogurt in one sitting. Wow.) So now, I can have my yogurt, soup, popsicles, sherbert, pudding, or jello whenever I feel like it and not worry about the protein count in it as long as I have 2 shakes per day. Thank goodness. I was stressing over the whole thing because if I do not have the correct amount of protein, I can get protein malnutrition and with that, I can start to lose my hair. I was losing hair by the handfuls 2 years ago when I had my lung surgery and I do not want to go to through that again. There are other things that can happen as well, but that is the one that stands out to me. It is getting late and I'm not thinking straight. So off to bed I go, it is bloodwork in the morning. Good night, my readers of none. (for now, anyway. I am optimistic.)
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
It's a Numbers Game
I am 6 days out from the surgery. I have had little to no pain. Just some irritation in a couple incisions and general itchiness as I heal. I am getting in all my fluids. On day 4, I was getting light headed, waking with bad headaches and feeling slightly nauseous, so I called the doctor and he said I could be getting dehydrated. So I started pounding (sipping actually) the Gatorade. Thank goodness I started drinking it! I finally found something that tastes good to me! Mostly everything is too sweet or just tastes terrible to me. Gatorade which I was not a huge fan of before, saved me from dehydrating. I needed the electrolytes and the taste was heaven. I got in all my fluids and a little extra! I have had no fluid issues since then. Still working on the protein but I am talking to my nutritionist today and going shopping. I feel good and I am losing the weight.
For the first time in my life, I am not afraid to get on the scale because I know that the number I see today, I will never see again. In the past, the scale has always been a big scary monster and more often than not, I would tell doctors, "I am not getting on this scale." I have dealt with some seriously pissed off nurses, but I do not care. I have also done the whole "I am keeping my eyes closed. Tell me when the horror is over." Too many times have I gone a diet and when it is time to weigh in, I get all excited because I had a good week and I put on a pound or two because I just wasn't good enough. Weight watchers was good for this. Every week I had to submit myself to the monster, pay my fee and listen to some pep leader do a meeting. I would go in feeling excited and anxious. After the scale, I was usually disappointed but still hopeful, and after the meeting I could conquer the world. Of course, I hit burger king on the way out because that was the only night I allowed myself to cheat. Funny thing was, all the other cars in line were women from the meeting too. The next day reality would set in and I would spend the next week trying to choke down water (I hate drinking plain water and no, adding some lemon to it does not help), eat sensibly and get in some form of exercise. I wonder how many activity points I could get for choking the meeting leader? hmmmm. Each time, I was always extremely hungry. The loss was very slow and very hard and knowing how much I had to lose, I gave up. It was too much. I have been a member of weight watchers so many times, I should own stock in the company. Sorry, Jennifer Hudson, it just didn't work for me. Maybe if I had a hot WWE star to work out with and they were paying me to do it, I could do it too. So today, the new numbers game begins, but I am not worried this time around.
Every time someone asks me, "do you have a goal weight?" I say, "No." And it is true. Everyone seems to think that there is a magic number and for me, there is not. I know what I could weigh and what I should weigh and what a healthy weight loss goal for me should be but it is not about the numbers. It is about feeling healthy. When I am comfortable again. When I can walk without feeling like my heart will explode. When I don't get out of breathe from slight exertion. When I can cross my legs while sitting. When I can fit into seats with arms. When.....I am healthy. I will know when I get there. I will know by how I feel when I have lost enough. Not by how I look, but by how I feel.
Since I have mentioned something people always ask, I am going to address an issue here. I don't know about anyone else, but I was always highly offended when asked "Why have the surgery? You are losing weight on the pre-op diet, just keep following that." (this is where I suppress the urge bitch slap people or spit out some nasty sarcastic retort) They just don't get it. People that have never struggled with food addiction or been seriously overweight, just don't get it. It is not that easy. My father once said, "All you have to do is push away from the table." (yes, he is very overweight and eats constantly while sabotaging everyone else's diets and making fun of me for being fat. That's another story.) No, pushing away from the table is not that easy. If it was, weight watchers would have worked the first time. Maybe in another blog I will address this issue, I just wanted to get the warning out there. If you ask a pre-op patient this question, you are risking bodily harm.
On a final rambling note, I heard from a friend today. I have dated this guy a couple of times in the past and even though he is a terrific, smart, nice guy, we just don't have any chemistry, but we have kept in touch over the years. Every couple of months or so, we touch base with each other. When we met, we discussed my weight. He usually prefers thin girls (like most guys) but he found the way I was put together attractive. I like the way he said that. :) I weighed more than any other girl he had dated but I was solidly stacked. Physical attraction aside (yes, he is quite handsome), we didn't hit it off. Well today when he texted me, I told him I had just had surgery and told him it was the weight loss surgery. His answer? "I liked you the way you were". It just doesn't get any sweeter than that. We chatted and he again lamented the loss of my long hair, and told me I am a quality person, but I loved his reaction today. He is the only person that has said that to me, ever, and meant it. It was not said for any gain, or to make me feel better, it was just how he felt. Thank you, my friend. I appreciate it.
For the first time in my life, I am not afraid to get on the scale because I know that the number I see today, I will never see again. In the past, the scale has always been a big scary monster and more often than not, I would tell doctors, "I am not getting on this scale." I have dealt with some seriously pissed off nurses, but I do not care. I have also done the whole "I am keeping my eyes closed. Tell me when the horror is over." Too many times have I gone a diet and when it is time to weigh in, I get all excited because I had a good week and I put on a pound or two because I just wasn't good enough. Weight watchers was good for this. Every week I had to submit myself to the monster, pay my fee and listen to some pep leader do a meeting. I would go in feeling excited and anxious. After the scale, I was usually disappointed but still hopeful, and after the meeting I could conquer the world. Of course, I hit burger king on the way out because that was the only night I allowed myself to cheat. Funny thing was, all the other cars in line were women from the meeting too. The next day reality would set in and I would spend the next week trying to choke down water (I hate drinking plain water and no, adding some lemon to it does not help), eat sensibly and get in some form of exercise. I wonder how many activity points I could get for choking the meeting leader? hmmmm. Each time, I was always extremely hungry. The loss was very slow and very hard and knowing how much I had to lose, I gave up. It was too much. I have been a member of weight watchers so many times, I should own stock in the company. Sorry, Jennifer Hudson, it just didn't work for me. Maybe if I had a hot WWE star to work out with and they were paying me to do it, I could do it too. So today, the new numbers game begins, but I am not worried this time around.
Every time someone asks me, "do you have a goal weight?" I say, "No." And it is true. Everyone seems to think that there is a magic number and for me, there is not. I know what I could weigh and what I should weigh and what a healthy weight loss goal for me should be but it is not about the numbers. It is about feeling healthy. When I am comfortable again. When I can walk without feeling like my heart will explode. When I don't get out of breathe from slight exertion. When I can cross my legs while sitting. When I can fit into seats with arms. When.....I am healthy. I will know when I get there. I will know by how I feel when I have lost enough. Not by how I look, but by how I feel.
Since I have mentioned something people always ask, I am going to address an issue here. I don't know about anyone else, but I was always highly offended when asked "Why have the surgery? You are losing weight on the pre-op diet, just keep following that." (this is where I suppress the urge bitch slap people or spit out some nasty sarcastic retort) They just don't get it. People that have never struggled with food addiction or been seriously overweight, just don't get it. It is not that easy. My father once said, "All you have to do is push away from the table." (yes, he is very overweight and eats constantly while sabotaging everyone else's diets and making fun of me for being fat. That's another story.) No, pushing away from the table is not that easy. If it was, weight watchers would have worked the first time. Maybe in another blog I will address this issue, I just wanted to get the warning out there. If you ask a pre-op patient this question, you are risking bodily harm.
On a final rambling note, I heard from a friend today. I have dated this guy a couple of times in the past and even though he is a terrific, smart, nice guy, we just don't have any chemistry, but we have kept in touch over the years. Every couple of months or so, we touch base with each other. When we met, we discussed my weight. He usually prefers thin girls (like most guys) but he found the way I was put together attractive. I like the way he said that. :) I weighed more than any other girl he had dated but I was solidly stacked. Physical attraction aside (yes, he is quite handsome), we didn't hit it off. Well today when he texted me, I told him I had just had surgery and told him it was the weight loss surgery. His answer? "I liked you the way you were". It just doesn't get any sweeter than that. We chatted and he again lamented the loss of my long hair, and told me I am a quality person, but I loved his reaction today. He is the only person that has said that to me, ever, and meant it. It was not said for any gain, or to make me feel better, it was just how he felt. Thank you, my friend. I appreciate it.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
The Big Day is Finally Here!
On October 16, 2013, I went in to the hospital at 6:15. They took me back, put me in the sexy gown and tried to get an IV in. I am what is called a "difficult stick". I am used to this. Nurses that are not used to this usually stick me a couple of times before giving up and calling in someone else, leaving a big bruise as a reminder of the experience. This time was no different. Nurse #1, tried my hand twice and did the "poke and hope". That is where they think they found a vein, put in the needle and move it around trying to find it. It is quite painful. I was getting irritated. Nurse #2 didn't even attempt it. She was leaving it for anesthesia. (My pastors had visited me at the hospital to pray with me before the surgery, I should have asked them to pray for an easy IV as well.) I go back, the anesthesiologist is kind of a strange man. He looks at my wrist and declares "There is a perfectly good vein right here." Then proceeds to tell me how he puts IVs in places most other people won't but he will numb me first so I won't feel it. Bippity Boppity Boo, I have my IV. I talk to numerous medical staff, I am excited, they are excited for me, then off to la la land I go. (Please Lord, no big fat liver).
I start to come to in the recovery room and all I can say is "I'm nauseous, I'm nauseous". They give me something and I'm out again. The only thing I remember before waking in my room was the nurse telling me there would be a bump going in and out of the elevator. All I cared about was going back to sleep because I was so nauseous. When I woke up, I felt like hell. It took forever to come out of the drug induced haze. There was a pain button in my hand that I could push and go back into oblivion but I wanted to see my mom. I hit the button only 1 time. I later heard a nurse say that the button was for dilauded. I hate dilauded. It makes me hallucinate and I do not like the way it makes me feel. In my class, I was told I would more than likely have morphine. I refused to hit the button again and put it down. Amazingly, I was not in pain. My upper back hurt from being on the table but other than that, just a little sore and a lot uncomfortable. But, oh, the nausea!!! It was so extreme! I have never felt like this. At one point, I told my mom, with my head down, "What have I done to myself?" I instantly regretted the surgery. Did every single person who had this surgery lie to me or am I have reactions that no one else has? I was confused, sick, and extremely upset. I was so tired and miserable I could barely talk. My mom told me that the doctor came out and told her I had a big liver but he did the surgery anyway. She was obviously tired at this point, she has been there since early morning, and she goes home for a nap. I try to find a comfortable position and begin to pray. I just want out of my skin. I know that I am going to vomit at some point, no one can possibly be this nauseous and not get sick, but I am so scared that my stomach will open if I do. Will my stitches come out? I can't seem to get enough anti-nausea medicine and it is not helping. The entire day is just a loop of the same thing. I can have zero liquids until my upper GI the next morning. My mouth, throat and lips are so dry they hurt. My gums are sticking to my teeth and the lemon swabs help some, but not much. (One of the nurses points out to me that I have a fat lip because the anesthesiologist must have hit it when intubating me, which, by the way, is another extremely difficult thing to perform on me for some reason).
During the night, the shift change happens and the nurse I love goes home. I get a younger girl who is extremely nice but not as good. First she wakes me up because my oxygen level was down. I told her I was sleeping and that is why it was down and if she will wait 30 seconds, it will come back up. She seemed shocked when what I said was true. (Thanks for waking me. grrrr) She came in again to give me my anti-nausea meds and I told her it was not working. She ended up giving me something new which worked better for me. I asked for some pain meds but not dilauded. (My back hurt and I could not get back to sleep). She kept trying to convince me to take the dilauded. She even said "Did you hallucinate when you hit the button earlier?" I told her I did not like it and would go without rather than hit the damn button. She finally had to call my doctor and get permission for IV morphine. I had to put on oxygen before going back to sleep but it sufficiently knocked me out. I wanted oblivion for a couple of hours. Then I woke up vomiting. I was scared, it was painful. Would I open my stitches? Is this normal? Will I bust open the incision in my stomach? I was told that it was normal. If this is true, how come no one told me this before my surgery???? (Note that each time my night nurse came in, she did not turn on the lights. She did not check my IV, just pushed the meds in.)
The next morning, my favorite nurse was back. She took me down for my upper GI. I showed her my extremely swollen arm. The IV had come out of the vein during the night and the fluids were going into my arm. Damn. I get into position for the test, sip the horrendous barium and everything looks good. No leaks and I can start sipping water today. I don't care because I am still so sick to my stomach. I vomit again when I get back to the room. And again. And again. The nurse tries to find a vein for an IV so I can get fluids and no luck. She calls in someone else, no luck. She calls in someone else, no luck. This take about an hour and I get stuck all over my arms about 7 times. I look like a human pincushion. I am lethargic and trying to keep from dry heaving. I am miserable and my father is there trying to crack jokes and talking up a storm to keep my mind off it all. I finally tell him to please stop talking. I just want my meds and no one can find a freaking vein. I finally get some oral meds and I feel immediately better and go for a walk down the hall. This was a fun walk. My dad was with me and he has terrible knees. He is going through the process to have both replaced so he shuffles slowly. He says, "Let's race!" This cracks me up because we are both so slow. One of the nurses hears him and says, "She's winning!" I enjoyed that walk immensely.
When we get back, my doctor shows up and says he put in a central line or a picc line (I had one of those before and do NOT want one again) but because I am going home and can take meds and fluids orally, there is no point. I happily agree. What has me pissed off at this point is the incompetence of the hospital. I would NEVER have chosen this hospital if it were not for the fact that I wanted this doctor. I only come here for minor things. It is not known as a very good hospital. I stayed at a great hospital with my lung surgery and this place pales in comparison. The IV debacle has me fuming. When I have to get bloodwork, I always use a local blood lab and the ladies there have no problem at all finding a vein. Each time I had bloodwork at the hospital, I was poked, prodded, tapped and bruised. At the other hospital, it sometimes took 2 tries but by the second person, I had someone who knew how to find a hidden vein. It may be the head of phlebotomy, but I got what I needed quickly. Not so here. My original IV should have been checked during the night and wasn't. Young techs should also have more sense than to walk into a room with a woman barely holding down a sip of water and chatting about what she wants for lunch with the other nurse! I am just glad to be feeling better and going home. My friend, who had her surgery the same day, is spending another night because she has not stopped vomiting. I have been praying for her to feel better as well. We are both wondering why no one warned us. We thought we were prepared, but it is different than everyone said. Right now, I would not advise anyone to get this surgery. I just hope it gets better.....fast.
I start to come to in the recovery room and all I can say is "I'm nauseous, I'm nauseous". They give me something and I'm out again. The only thing I remember before waking in my room was the nurse telling me there would be a bump going in and out of the elevator. All I cared about was going back to sleep because I was so nauseous. When I woke up, I felt like hell. It took forever to come out of the drug induced haze. There was a pain button in my hand that I could push and go back into oblivion but I wanted to see my mom. I hit the button only 1 time. I later heard a nurse say that the button was for dilauded. I hate dilauded. It makes me hallucinate and I do not like the way it makes me feel. In my class, I was told I would more than likely have morphine. I refused to hit the button again and put it down. Amazingly, I was not in pain. My upper back hurt from being on the table but other than that, just a little sore and a lot uncomfortable. But, oh, the nausea!!! It was so extreme! I have never felt like this. At one point, I told my mom, with my head down, "What have I done to myself?" I instantly regretted the surgery. Did every single person who had this surgery lie to me or am I have reactions that no one else has? I was confused, sick, and extremely upset. I was so tired and miserable I could barely talk. My mom told me that the doctor came out and told her I had a big liver but he did the surgery anyway. She was obviously tired at this point, she has been there since early morning, and she goes home for a nap. I try to find a comfortable position and begin to pray. I just want out of my skin. I know that I am going to vomit at some point, no one can possibly be this nauseous and not get sick, but I am so scared that my stomach will open if I do. Will my stitches come out? I can't seem to get enough anti-nausea medicine and it is not helping. The entire day is just a loop of the same thing. I can have zero liquids until my upper GI the next morning. My mouth, throat and lips are so dry they hurt. My gums are sticking to my teeth and the lemon swabs help some, but not much. (One of the nurses points out to me that I have a fat lip because the anesthesiologist must have hit it when intubating me, which, by the way, is another extremely difficult thing to perform on me for some reason).
During the night, the shift change happens and the nurse I love goes home. I get a younger girl who is extremely nice but not as good. First she wakes me up because my oxygen level was down. I told her I was sleeping and that is why it was down and if she will wait 30 seconds, it will come back up. She seemed shocked when what I said was true. (Thanks for waking me. grrrr) She came in again to give me my anti-nausea meds and I told her it was not working. She ended up giving me something new which worked better for me. I asked for some pain meds but not dilauded. (My back hurt and I could not get back to sleep). She kept trying to convince me to take the dilauded. She even said "Did you hallucinate when you hit the button earlier?" I told her I did not like it and would go without rather than hit the damn button. She finally had to call my doctor and get permission for IV morphine. I had to put on oxygen before going back to sleep but it sufficiently knocked me out. I wanted oblivion for a couple of hours. Then I woke up vomiting. I was scared, it was painful. Would I open my stitches? Is this normal? Will I bust open the incision in my stomach? I was told that it was normal. If this is true, how come no one told me this before my surgery???? (Note that each time my night nurse came in, she did not turn on the lights. She did not check my IV, just pushed the meds in.)
The next morning, my favorite nurse was back. She took me down for my upper GI. I showed her my extremely swollen arm. The IV had come out of the vein during the night and the fluids were going into my arm. Damn. I get into position for the test, sip the horrendous barium and everything looks good. No leaks and I can start sipping water today. I don't care because I am still so sick to my stomach. I vomit again when I get back to the room. And again. And again. The nurse tries to find a vein for an IV so I can get fluids and no luck. She calls in someone else, no luck. She calls in someone else, no luck. This take about an hour and I get stuck all over my arms about 7 times. I look like a human pincushion. I am lethargic and trying to keep from dry heaving. I am miserable and my father is there trying to crack jokes and talking up a storm to keep my mind off it all. I finally tell him to please stop talking. I just want my meds and no one can find a freaking vein. I finally get some oral meds and I feel immediately better and go for a walk down the hall. This was a fun walk. My dad was with me and he has terrible knees. He is going through the process to have both replaced so he shuffles slowly. He says, "Let's race!" This cracks me up because we are both so slow. One of the nurses hears him and says, "She's winning!" I enjoyed that walk immensely.
When we get back, my doctor shows up and says he put in a central line or a picc line (I had one of those before and do NOT want one again) but because I am going home and can take meds and fluids orally, there is no point. I happily agree. What has me pissed off at this point is the incompetence of the hospital. I would NEVER have chosen this hospital if it were not for the fact that I wanted this doctor. I only come here for minor things. It is not known as a very good hospital. I stayed at a great hospital with my lung surgery and this place pales in comparison. The IV debacle has me fuming. When I have to get bloodwork, I always use a local blood lab and the ladies there have no problem at all finding a vein. Each time I had bloodwork at the hospital, I was poked, prodded, tapped and bruised. At the other hospital, it sometimes took 2 tries but by the second person, I had someone who knew how to find a hidden vein. It may be the head of phlebotomy, but I got what I needed quickly. Not so here. My original IV should have been checked during the night and wasn't. Young techs should also have more sense than to walk into a room with a woman barely holding down a sip of water and chatting about what she wants for lunch with the other nurse! I am just glad to be feeling better and going home. My friend, who had her surgery the same day, is spending another night because she has not stopped vomiting. I have been praying for her to feel better as well. We are both wondering why no one warned us. We thought we were prepared, but it is different than everyone said. Right now, I would not advise anyone to get this surgery. I just hope it gets better.....fast.
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