I haven't posted in a few days because nothing noteworthy has happened. I am not sore or in any pain. I am getting in all my fluids and protein even though it is a struggle. I am sleeping a little better and overall I feel pretty good. I have lost a total of 25 lbs counting my pre-op loss and I have noticed some differences already. Some of my pants that were beginning to feel a little snug are no longer tight on me. My hip does not hurt, I am able to stand for more than 5 minutes and my step has become a little quicker. I was told that I no longer sound like Darth Vader when I breathe as well. It always drove me crazy when my father would ask me if I was ok because I was breathing heavy. (I was not aware that I was breathing heavy at all, but due to my lung problems in the past, it always worried my family that I seemed constantly out of breath.) I can walk further than I was able to before. I am no longer daunted by a long walk through a parking lot. It's all the little things like the ones I just named that keep me going. I really did not expect to see any sort of a difference until much further along, so it was a very pleasant surprise to notice positive changes already. I even stood for a long time at Trunk or Treat at my church today. I may have been a little sore since it is the first time I have done anything physical since the surgery, but I did it.. These things help me when I am feeling down and depressed, too. I have days where I am ready to say, "Screw the stupid liquids and the protein. I am tired of it already." I start feeling down and don't want to do anything. I don't cheat on my diet though. I know the consequences and stick with it, I just don't do it happily. One of the men at my mother's church had the same surgery done a year or so ago with the same doctor and he asks about me all the time. The other night, there was a big dinner at the church and I was able to talk to him. He cheated and did not always follow the doctor's orders and he warned me to not do the same. He explained that if I cheat now, I could bust the staples in my stomach. I may feel great on the outside but my insides are still healing. This is what keeps me honest. I look at it this way...I had to go to an extreme (surgery) just to be able to lose the weight. It is very hard and I knew it would be going into it. I committed to making a major change in my life and allowed a doctor to remove 85% of my stomach in order to do it. Obviously, my eating was out of control if I had to take such a drastic measure to be healthy. I want to turn my life around and be the best mom I can be for as long as I possibly can and I am not going to mess this up. This is not just another diet....this is serious and so am I. The only thing I need to do now is start walking. Unbelievably, I actually enjoy it. I am so happy that I can go further than before and that I am walking more quickly that I enjoy walking. Tomorrow, I think I will go to the park for a little while and take a walk along the river. The fall weather is perfect for it. And for once, I don't have to be afraid of not being able to make it back to my car.
In August, our church took a trip to Longwood Gardens. It is a beautiful place with acres of land. I knew the walking would be hell on me, but I didn't want my son to miss out on this opportunity. I had no idea just how horrible it would be for my body. I was out of breathe the entire time. I had to sit down every chance I got because of the pain in my back and hip. I was sweating like a pig and felt that my heart would burst everywhere we went. I was so upset with myself but I didn't want my son to know just how bad it was for me. He worries about my breathing because of the lung problems and extended hospital stay 2 years ago and I didn't want to scare him. I was afraid of collapsing though. After a couple of hours, I just wanted to go back to the little store, browse and sit in the air conditioning. I knew I had reached my limit. I was trying to find a quick way back and when I realized that in order to get where I wanted to go, I had to go uphill, I almost burst into tears. I began walking (trudging, lumbering....) up the incline. All the while, I am praying for one of the workers on a golf cart to come by, because I had reached a point where I knew I needed help. At the top of the hill, I started having some chest pain, became extremely overheated and was having a lot of difficulty breathing. I barely made it to a bench and told Nick to get help. Thankfully a couple of the ladies on the trip with us saw us and came over to help. All I wanted was a ride to the main building but I got oxygen, a wheelchair, an ice pack, water and 5 men surrounding me checking my vitals. I was wheeled into the building and then to the car to go home. I never got to browse through the store with my son. I was absolutely mortified. I blamed it on a massive asthma attack, but I know the real reason. I was too fat and my body couldn't handle it. I am planning another trip to Longwood Gardens with my son after I lose more weight. I want to make it up to him and prove to myself that I can do it. This time I will go up the stairs in the treehouses instead of staying at the bottom because I can't go up stairs. This time, I won't leave in a wheelchair. No more letting my son down because I can't keep up. I am going to do it.
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